Leaving Sitiawan?

Am typing this post in the middle of the night, 2.15am. Crazy, I'm suppose to be sleeping now. What happens to the mission of tuning back my biological clock? Went down to the drain, completely!

Come tomorrow, after lunch, I'll be driving down to Penang. Moving to Penang, to be exact. Going to start my working live two days later. Thinking of how I started this blog back then, oh my..how time flies.

Sitiawan, a place I used to hate (8 years ago, to be exact). It has been my home for 8 years. I used to anticipate the day I could move away from Sitiawan. I got my wish 3 years back when I went for my degree. I got my wish now when I am going to work in Penang. Now I wish I could still stay at home to accompany my mom and sis and to come back here at least once a year, just to gather with my friends. The most precious secondary school friends I cherished. Ok, all in all..I will miss home comfort! Life without study stress nor working stress.

Note to self: Time to grow up and face the music, girl! Have a great working life! Who am I? "I'm possible"!

First Step Into Reality

Mushrooming at home, figuring how to arrange my not so impressive resume into something more interesting. Wondering why didn't I tried harder, work harder, study harder and get around more?

Heard updates from friends, from Facebook that few of my coursemates, hometowns (both Sitiawan and Penang, lol) friends had secured a job. Some went to interviews, some are going for interviews, while many others are still waiting for replies from companies (which includes me, unfortunately). Sent few applications via jobstreets to a few companies in Penang two days ago. Still no reply.

Many said, there's no need to rush. Wait patiently and choose wisely.

I guess this is the time for me to train my patience, learning how to accept rejections and how to turn frustrations into motivations. Can I do it? I hope I can.

Another Life Chapter is Coming to an End

060511, 0900, the time I sat for the last paper of my degree life.

1100, the time I passed up the last paper of my degree life.

Provided that I passed all of my papers (should know the result in three weeks time? I think I could make the cut), submit final corrected copy of thesis in PDF form to the faculty....And then, there was it. The end of my university life, for now.

Words alone can't express my feelings. There's one though: I'm glad.

One thing is for sure, I'll miss going to classes. I'll miss going to lab. I'll miss all the times we burned the midnight oil just to finish up our reports or to study for exams. I'll miss the times I cycle to campus. I'll miss our beautiful campus. I'll miss the nice scenery in Kampar. I'll miss the many times we gather around to celebrate birthdays, for assignments and reports, to have meals, to fool around, to relax, etc. Friends! I'll miss all of you and all the good times we had together. Thanks for the memories may it good or bad. Thanks for accepting me for who I am, and for making me who I am right now.

There has been a lot of ups and downs in 3 years. Not a long period of time, nor a short one either. Of course there has been doubts and regrets looking back right now. But all the questions will remain as 'What if?', right? Let bygones be bygone.

Ok, this post sounds downright emo. Yup, it 's proven. Packing up does make a person emo!

Three years worth of notes and books, all packed into two large boxes.

Where am I going store these in my hometown? @@

Now I Know The Word STRESSED

I know my responsibilities are quite heavy, one mistake and I could accidentally kill a person..

Ok, I'm exaggerating...but it is still quite serious.

This is what happened. I forgot to run a conformation test for the serum which the doctor requested to check for syphilis. I'm just went into Serology department for the second day, and already make mistakes. Luckily Biochemistry department haven't run the serum for other biochemical test when I realized my mistakes, or I'll have explanations to do. Syphilis is curable nowadays, but it still could be fatal. What if my mistakes causes the diagnosis to be late, and 'killed' the client in the end? Imagine if I did the same mistakes when screening for HIV...

My parents are in KL for the second day, but are too busy to find me, plus I didn't dare to go and find them myself, cause my dad would have to fetch me all the way back to kelana jaya. I'm a good girl ok? Dun wanna trouble my dad.. I'm in such a bad mood....haiz...

More updates on internship later..

Right now, I juz wanna sulk...

When Tears Run Dry

I thought I can handle it. I can't

It's like sprinkling salt on a stab wound. The two sentences on your blog, hurts so much.

Ever tried crying until there are simply no more tears?

I just tried that, feels like suffocation..

It's already 6am, but I can't sleep..

p/s: thanks for being there when I needed somebody, thanks for those hugs...

Patience. Limits. Disappointments. Tired.

I think I just made things from bad to worse this afternoon. I tried to constrain myself..but at the same time, I just can't do it anymore. That's it. You had crossed the line when you made the comment.

For how many times this year I tried to understand you, sometimes even make up excuses for you to convince myself that I am wrong, I am the one that is short-sighted. For how many times I tried to shut away, to ignore those feelings of disappointments from getting in between our friendship. I know everyone's personality are not the same. That's why I tried to convince myself every time it's my fault for not understanding you, my fault of getting not patience enough.

You had changed a lot this semester. I know you are very focused on test,quiz, and so on, but so is everyone else in this course. You changed a lot these especially these few weeks. I am not sure is it because of his influence ( if it is, I can't blame anyone cause he is your bf and of course he has the right to influence you). But today, I really had it. The stuffs that you said, it really hurts. I don't know why. I had heard this comment for countless times. But hearing it from you, it's really painful. I tried to believe it is not you that type those words. I tried to give you hints that I'm upset. But you didn't get it and you sounded serious. Not the usual you that I know.

I am tired of everything suddenly. Stress are building like crazy these days. About studies, about friends, and about you.

You are my best friend. I know I had made things more complicated. I do hope things can change back to where it was. I am sorry that I had made you upset.

I am still disappointed and tired of the whole thing. Maybe we need some time to cool things down. Maybe things would get better...or so I hope.

'I love walking in the rain, cause no one knows I'm crying'

Personality Defect

A lot had happened in just two days, made me realized that I have a HUGE problem with my personality...but sometimes I wonder, do I have to carry the full responsibility of all the things that had happened?

I am not a perfectionist, but when it comes to academic wise, I do hope that I could score higher in coursework marks. I am not a bright student, just a mediocre, nothing more than average student. I do not know since when I have high expectations towards my coursework marks, especially in assignments, presentations, and even for lab session..maybe this cause me to be so 'aggressive' sometimes..

I know I kinda turned into a bitch on Monday night, by telling my group mate A to change the way she present last minute ( we were suppose to present at Tuesday, and it was already 11.30am on Monday). I know she is a person that makes a lot of preparation no matter in what she does, but the moment I listen to her presentation when we were practicing, a bitchy thought comes into my mind " did you ever read that assignment??". After practicing, I ask her straightaway..do you understand your part (oh no, a huge mistake here), then why your explanation was like that? Then, she started to 'argue' with me...which caught both me n my another friend B in shock.. I heard from B later that she cried after that, cause I asked her to change her speech last minute and she was so stressed..

Another case yesterday..I 'argued' with my group mate C during lab session, in front of Dr Han! It was just a small confusion and usually, we will redo what we had done. Maybe it's because of stress (with Monday night's case, all those test coming up and not to mention Dr Han presence in the lab..) I started to 'argue' with her...small argument really, but the impact it caused..

The thing that makes me really sad is, C heard from B what happened to A and told B that she thinks that I am not reasonable, and I always do not accept other people's opinion.

I agree that I am kinda hardheaded, but I do always tell you guys to remind me when I start to loss myself...it is not that I do not accept other's opinion, but when we know we could do better by doing it this way rather than the other way, didn't you wanna try to do better? And this is all during academic only, I do accept you guy's opinion in other stuffs!

I am seldom a follower, but not trying to be a leader either...I don't even know where am I now.. or what I want anymore...I guess B is right, I should change myself to become a soft spoken person, just do my stuffs, do not stand out, etc, etc..a completely different 180 degree changing into a new me..

But will changing makes everything better? I guess I have to change, maybe those who does not like my personality in taking charge a little happier.....

So stressed, can't focus on my revision, and I have around 4 test, 1 quiz and 3 reports lining up till next week...

U-turns in my life?

Can't think of a suitable title for this post, so I use this title instead...

How can you describe yourself when you are disappointed, regretting something, missing someone, emotionally tired and wish to turn back time?

I started to stop wishing time could turn its back for me since I started uni life...I used to wish I was back in form 2, where I am fully happy with my life then. But if I have the choice to go back in time, when do I wanna restart again? Not form 2 anymore, as I had finally lifted that burden off my mind since last year...

I wish I could turn back time to where I made that stupid decision this sem...

Received a sms and a call from my brother few days ago, tell me he is going back home this weekend and asked me am I going back? Received a call from my dad yesterday, asking me am I busy this weekend? Am I going home? I miss my bro, I miss my sis, I miss my parents! I wish I could go home, especially times like this, when I needed someone to lean on...

Read wanling's blog moments ago..realized I had not been keeping in touch with them for a long long time....I'm such a bad friend, huh...i miss you....

Random ranting....

Didn't update my blog for quite some time....

Since last semester, i think?

A lot had happened since...

Finished year one of my three year uni life,

Langkawi trip with my beloved coursemates..

My 21st birthday + 3 celebrations

Commence of year 2 sem 1, involving as a helper in ice breaking...

Spent more time with some coursemates...( and did a lot of insane stuffs with them)...

Noticed some change in character in me....

Increasing workload....(test, test and more test!)

Have loads of thoughts, did a lot of thinking on stuffs and made me even confused than before..

Trying to live my live to the max!

and promise myself to spend a lil more time to update my blog...

~ciao~